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Written Stuff and Typography by BlackSkeletonSword


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Submitted on
September 26, 2011
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1.9 KB
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325
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12 (who?)
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43

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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
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How do you keep doing this to me
Why do you keep doing this
You know it hurts
How I ache for you
It hurts like I've never know pain before

It pulls me under the crashing storm
Yet just as I resurface the waves drag me under
A never ending cycle
Which I yearn to end

Which I need to end

Each word you say
Is like an arrow to my heart
An arrow that I yearn for

One I know I should avoid
But only move closer to
This distance that separates
Is it nothing?

To me it's everything
When I ache for you by my side
I am close to being taken under by the the waves of my tears

I don't know how much longer I can hold on
Each time I talk to you
It's like a dagger to the heart

I want you
I need you
But we can't be

You must know how much this kills me
Everyday, your on my mind
As much as I try to lie

I still love you
My head cannot deny what my heart knows

But I have to betray my heart
For this love is one I yearn for
Yet suffer too much with

I cannot surrender to these waves that clutch my soul
For apart of me is yours
I may deny it
But its the truth

You
The only thing that keeps me afloat
Yet drag me under
I cannot surrender to you
Nor can I let you go

I am torn, by this love my heart holds
But my head wants to deny

Forgive me for I cannot stand this hurt any longer
Even as I write this to sever our love

I confess, I love you
And with this, with the finally rolling of my tears
And the subduing of the waves
I sit here surrounded by the pieces of my broken heart

Just hoping for your lips against mine
And your arms around me
....
Not like what I usually write eh...?

I only submitted it so it'd seem more real..

Now it is... And well yeah..

At least it's an emotion..

Losing someone..

The preview picture I guess shows, my heart (the rose) covered in tears and the waves of love. The colour, blue shows how life seems to be faded...

****
PS Llamas much Appreciated & Watches & Faves & Comments

:icondonotuseplz::iconmyartplz:
:icondntwriteplz::icondntwriteplz2:

The Wave Of Our Love is copyright to Loza-Muse (I'd put my real name down but meh ) But please dont steal, thanks a lot.

The Preview Picture is not mine, it is owned by *somadjinn And I have valid permission in using it. Also heres the original [link]
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:iconaspiredwriter:
AspiredWriter Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2011
:tears: :tighthug:
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:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Yeep..
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:iconghostdemon915:
GhostDemon915 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
It's pretty good
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks
Reply
:iconghostdemon915:
GhostDemon915 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Welcome.
Reply
:iconazeeratheninja:
AzeeraTheNinja Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2011  Student Interface Designer
I'll refer to what I'm talking about in stanzas, and probably in order :giggle:
(I comment/critique as I read along :) )



1.) I just began to notice that there's almost no punctuation whatsoever even though the first two lines are pretty much questions. For poetry, punctuation dictates flow (unless in simplistic style, but since you have capitalization and punctuation later on, this isn't that simplistic style), so whenever you have a period or a comma, that says how long the pause is to the reader and when to pause. Not the end of the line in the stanza :aww:

2.) You also need a few commas in your lines as well (not after, actually in the middle of the line) such as in stanza 2, you say
"Yet just as I resurface the waves drag me under"
when it should be
"Yet just as I resurface, the waves drag me under"

For me, that's more of a rhythm thing.

3.) You used "yearn" twice rather close to each other, but it doesn't sound like intended repetition, so I'd change one of them (stanza 2 and stanza 3 not including the line in between)
-You could use "long", "desire", "ache", and etc. :aww:

4.) In stanza 8 "your" should be "you're". (Possessive, as in "it's yours" vs. "you are")

5.) Just saw "yearn" again :giggle:

6.) This is just a suggestion, for impact on the word "You" in the fifth to last stanza, you can actually skip a line between the stanza it's the first word of. So it would look like this:

"But it's the truth

You

The only thing that keeps me afloat"

Or since it looks like a continuation of what that person is, you can even put an ellipsis (...)

7.) "And with this, with the finally rolling of my tears"
I think should be:
"And with this, the final rolling of my tears,"
you had two "with"s in there, and the finally I think clashed with the flow for rolling.

8.) Suggestion, not exactly fact: I think the last two lines should be switched, I think I like the word "mine" would end the poem better than "me"... I think it just sounds better (and hugging leads to kissing I think) so this is just opinion. You can ignore it or change it XD



So, instead of me being a picky jerk, I actually really adored this poem!
It explains so many people's situations, and it's easy to connect to. A forbidden love that cannot be!! :iconlegaspplz:

Overall, really great poem, maybe not as original as it could be, but the flow was really well done (if it were accented or more emphasized by punctuation).
ANYWAY, really great poem, I promise XD

:heart: Allyson
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:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
... whoops.. oh I should have said no to this as well.. >< um.. maybe just prose unless I want specific poems critiqued? Because this one was really personal..
Reply
:iconazeeratheninja:
AzeeraTheNinja Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2011  Student Interface Designer
Yeah, I was thinking about it, but then I didn't have that much time so this was more of an example of what I do for critiques XD

But I completely understand about it being personal and that you don't want it critiqued, I do that a lot <<"
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :) I'm happy you understand ^^
Reply
:iconazeeratheninja:
AzeeraTheNinja Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2011  Student Interface Designer
No problem! :)
I'll get to one of your stories or something today :aww:
Is there a specific piece or folder that you've thought of by any chance? If not, I'll just look through your prose and pick one :giggle:
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Theres my short stories folder hahaha, just find the one you enjoy and want to critique just not Creature of Unknown Darkness yet :P
Reply
:iconazeeratheninja:
AzeeraTheNinja Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2011  Student Interface Designer
Okay :giggle:
I'll find that either tonight or tomorrow :aww:
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
^^ take your time :)
Reply
:iconbegginermay:
BegginerMay Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2011  Student Artist
I am torn, by this love my heart holds
But my head wants to deny = <3 <3

I love this..
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, also for the fave :hug:
Reply
:iconbegginermay:
BegginerMay Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2011  Student Artist
(:
Reply
:iconshadow-stride:
shadow-stride Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
That is the most amazing thing I have read in a very, very long time. :love:
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, it was written from within ... thx for the fave on it btw :)
Reply
:iconshadow-stride:
shadow-stride Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconseptis:
Septis Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011
interesting?... and you were calling The Tourist 'Cliche'! While your the Queen of Clicheness!~~ XD
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
...its true though.. this...
Reply
:iconseptis:
Septis Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011
XD
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I serious! this is based off me...
Reply
:iconseptis:
Septis Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011
then I guess your LIFE is cliché...? same difference... XD
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
all lives are cliché at some point XD
Reply
:iconseptis:
Septis Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011
mine isn't and never shall be~~ ^A^
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
suuuure
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconivory-ire:
Ivory-Ire Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011
I...love this.
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:) Thank you, it took a lot for me to post it..
Reply
:iconivory-ire:
Ivory-Ire Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011
I'd imagine!
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
but im happy i did, made it that bit more real...
Reply
:iconcolourful-sky:
Colourful-Sky Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011
You split up because of long distance relationship and he's still trying to convince you :/
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
yeh.. but today he's finally seeing just how its breaking me apart and doesn't wanna hurt me...
Reply
:iconcolourful-sky:
Colourful-Sky Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011
:aww: that's cute
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
yeah it is :)
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